Suddenly, Videogames

3 Oct

For reasons known only to the vast, pulsating brains floating in supercooled jelly that act as EA’s key decision makers, the single map available in the Battlefield 3 open beta is a miserably chokepointed infantry-only map, and features none of the tantalising tanks’n’jets’n’jeeps we’ve seen in various marketing montages. I’m complaining, of course, of the lack of Caspian Border, which appeared on a tiny handful of password-protected servers before being promptly bundled into the back of DICE’s Hoarding Van so we could all get back on with the much more interesting business of being sniped by some twat hiding in a Parisian hedge. Hopefully before everything breaks.

I’ve only reached level 12, while most people seem to vary between 16-ish and 35, which means I haven’t yet unlocked the ability to have a good time. Weapon unlocks and attachments are mockingly superior to the basic kit, and unlike Call of Duty – where you’re forced to pick a single attachment that best compliments your playstyle – BF3 lets the rich and powerful slap all manner of scopes, stupid torches that completely blind everyone, and upgraded ammo onto their fully automatic deathsticks, while the impoverished are left to be killed over and over and over, slaves to sluggish controls and infuriatingly inconsistent weapon accuracy.

I will say that things are looking up a bit now that I’ve tried the shotgun. It’s unique in that you can point it at someone, fire, and semi-reliably inflict a modicum of damage on them before they can turn around and shine that fucking flashlight right in your face I mean my God.

Here’s a few things  that, I would hope, are slightly more pleasurable to have going into your eyes than a barrel-mounted 300,000 watt bulb: two reviews and a first impressions thing I done wroted for Gaming Daily.

  • Hard Reset Demo Thoughts‘From the harsh lights of translucent billboards to the cracked, rain-slicked streets, Hard Reset boasts a vision of the future that is at once oppressive and bright, broken and bleeding-edge.’
  • Xotic Review‘One of the best smugness enablers since I was tapping my initials into the high score table of some ridiculous jet-skiing arcade game over a decade ago, before the leisure centre replaced all the cabinets with pool tables and vending machines.’
  • Fotonica Review ‘Five static courses plus one infinitely generated and one multiplayer course are available,and that’s about it, really – a kind of Usain Bolt cheese dream simulator.’

I may or may not be, depending on how much opinion I can feasibly fit into a feature article, be getting something in print within the next few weeks. Nothing special – university newspaper – but it’s quite big, and delves into considerably more consequential topics than my usual computer game spewings, so I’m a little excited about the possibility. I may even do something of a self-critique of it on here. Now won’t that be special.


One Response to “Suddenly, Videogames”


  1. Suddenly, Videogames « The Talking Stove | industry, blog, iphone, app, creative, games, programming, project, various, criminalminds - October 4, 2011

    […] the original post here: Suddenly, Videogames « The Talking Stove battlefield, games, key-decision, miserably-chokepointed, open-beta, pulsating-brains, […]

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