007: Blood Stone wishlist

26 Jul

With the next Bond film in limbo, the only thing that can fulfill my 007 fix is Blood Stone (or, to give its full name, 007 Blood Stone [or, to give its fuller name, James Bond 007 Blood Stone]).

The plot involves Bond trying to stop an army of these violent plasticine Bond clones, perhaps.

So far, it looks good. Not as stunningly beautiful, eclectic or gravelly-voiced as, say, Deus Ex: Human Revolution, but it’s an entirely unique Bond story with the likes of Daniel Craig and Judy Dench on board.  Therefore, I have absolutely no problems with projecting my boyish fanwank idealisms upon it. Here’s some things I want to see:

1 – Really good punching people

Craig’s Bond is a brawler as much as anything else, so I don’t want fistfights – of which there are apparently many – to be a dull button-matching affair. I don’t know enough about game design to suggest a perfect system, but generally hitting bad guys should be equally dramatic, visceral and efficient as the much more boring alternative of shooting them in the face. In fact, feel free to take away all my guns at some point and let me escape twenty armed men by clobbering them with my bruised fists. That is, in fact, how Bond rolls.

2 – Less silly wordplay

Quantum of Solace had Strawberry (urrrgghh) Fields (urrrrrrrgggghhhh), this one has Joss Stone. That’s not actually silly until you imagine the publicity material; “JOSS STONE IN 007: BLOOD STONE”. I don’t know the name of Joss Stone’s character, but if her last name is “Stone” I’ll probably play it for two days then wake up with my eyes pointing opposite ways, mumbling the word “Stone” over and over. Oh god, please let it be Smith or something.

3 – Q

Who are we kidding? Sacking poor Q from the rebooted series because he’s not serious enough as a character is the worst misguided attempt at maturity since Torchwood’s ejaculation jokes. The days of invisible cars might be over, but without Q – a constant of the franchise, second only to Bond himself in terms of iconic status – it feels like part of Bond’s soul is missing. Now I’m sad. I might read the “Stone” paragraph again to make myself confused instead.

4 – Plenty of epic theme tune delivery

Whether he’s crashing through a wall with a stern, determined look on his face or freefalling from a cliff with a stern, determined look on his face, the loud arrival of the ‘Dun nuh DAH-nah, duh duh duhhh’ motif makes the action scene. Since a third-person action game ramps up the frequency and scale of any full-blown explodathons out of necessity, it seems fair to multiply the appearances of this timeless, absolutely fantastic theme song.

5 – Daniel Craig to not go swimming

Are…are torsos meant to look like that?

6 – Less stupid damage indicators

I don’t know whether Blood Stone will feature the universally detested regenerating health model, constantly mocked for its lack of realism, or the obviously superior system of hoarding magical medkits that instantly heal all types of wound and disappear immediately upon use, which is clearly far better grounded in science and is for intelligent people. Either way, when I get shot up, the last thing I want to see is the ridiculous gun barrel from the film’s opening sequences. This popped up in the game version of Quantum of Solace when you were badly hurt, literally giving you awful tunnel vision at the time when you really needed to get some more kills. I know the alternatives – MW2’s spilt jam, Borderlands’ vague red bars, etc. – aren’t perfect, but anything’s better than this gaming equivalent of that time Graham Norton’s face obscured a final cliffhanger scene in Doctor Who.

7 – Amazing ways to dispatch henchmen

Y’know, like HALO jumping out of a plane in civvies, parachuting towards a boat at high speed then silently booting a nameless baddie off the starboard bow.

Oh, shit.

With the next Bond film in limbo, the onlt thing that can fulfill my 007 fix is Blood Stone (or, to give its full name, 007 Blood Stone [or, to give its fuller name, James Bond 007 Blood Stone]).

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