Band you like writes song you don’t like, world fucking ends

14 May

God, what a dick, eh?

Muse, that band you thought were great in 2004 but became less good as they started writing songs catering for music tastes not entirely the same as yours, have ruined everything and betrayed you as both a fan and a friend by releasing a 30-second of a new song, Neutron Star Collision (Love Is Forever).

Expert industry analysts including yourself and people from the same internet forum as you have determined the song is not only too poppy, but signals the horrifying, gore-smeared degradation of their once-glorious ‘alternative’ credibility as musicians.

“It’s ruined Muse for me” one onlooker said. “I mean literally, after I first heard the clip I went back to playing the second half of Origin of Symmetry over and over again and suddenly all the instruments were out of tune and Matt Bellamy had been replaced by a homeless guy on vocals. I’ll never listen to them again after this”.

President of the United States Barack Obama, who claims to have been a fan since Dom Howard’s sister lent him the Muscle Museum EP, was so enraged by the fact that Neutron Star Collision didn’t meet his arbitrary standard of unusualness that he started nuclear war, launching seven atomic missiles at Teignmouth in retaliation for the 30-second clip.

“I wish it didn’t have to come to this, but…come on, I was at the Earl’s Court gig, man. I bought TWO T-shirts, and now they do this to me? I will not tolerate treachery like this.”

The UN has demanded an explanation as to why the song sucks, and also why they don’t play Dead Star anymore when it’s blatantly their best “heavy” song. Early reports suggest it’s not your cup of tea due to it being part of the soundtrack for the film Eclipse, a film sure to be rubbish and no-one even wanted in the first place whilst somehow simultaneously attracting millions of fans, many of which will now start liking the same bands as you, and we can’t have that now can we. Rumours indicate that simple association with the film creates a magical shite-ifying aura which has supposedly already engulfed Muse, making them bad songwriters, boring live and prone to stealing your wallet and always taking the last few Pringles out of the tube.

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