Why maybe I should stay the fuck away from the journalism industry

8 Jan

I have no respect for word counts

“Why only 300 words? My review has 360! That’s like almost 10% more words for your money? It won’t fit? Why can’t you just have 10% more paper on the page? Twenty?!”

I can’t spell

“Um, excuse me, I got an end-of-year award for Achievement in English in Year 11, and I think you’ll find it’s spelt ‘almagram’.”

I have few contacts

“Yes Nan, I got the bars of Milka. No Nan, I haven’t cut my hair yet. Listen, I need to interview someone about this General Election thing…no Nan, not everyone from Eton is a bastard”

I’m not excessively persuasive

“S’cuse me sir, can I have a word?”

“No press.”

“Would this fifty change your mind?”


“Have a nice day, sir.”

I don’t perform well on camera

“Back to studio the. Fuck, nearly had it then.Why are you all glaring?”

I’m not very assertive either

“Can I have my fifty back then?”


“Nice speaking with you again.”


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