Doctor Who: The End of Time (Part 1) Recap

25 Dec

An old man, who appears human but will turn out not to be entirely, shows up to the most poorly advertised carol service ever where he discusses stained glass with a ghost. Meanwhile, the Doctor gatecrashes the Ood’s dope party but has some visions of his nemesis, The Master, and leaves before he even gets the bong. Back on Earth – assuming the Ood cave wasn’t just in Greenland – it’s revealed that the Master’s wife Lucy has been imprisoned in Hogwarts and a detachment of nutty Master-loving Defense Against The Dark Arts substitute teachers plan to bring him back to life. Anyway they take some of Lucy’s saliva because it has some biological link to the Master, suggesting inadequate hygiene on Lucy’s part, and sure enough the Master – sans legs – appears in a puff of smoke. Fortunately Lucy casually reveals she has a special “Kill The Master In Case Of Series Finale” potion, but unfortunately she accidently took the “Kill Everyone Except The Master And Blow Up The Entire Building” potion from the chem lab lockers instead.

The Doctor arrives too late, and doesn’t notice the security camera that clearly showed the Master suddenly sprouting legs and hauling ass out of there. However, this is brought to the attention of a billionaire family who may or may not be the evil cousins of the evil man Catherine Tate was going to marry in that first Christmas special she was in, before the Doctor killed his giant spider queen with a PS2 controller. Anyway the Master, who tries to lay low by dyeing his hair, wearing yoof clothes and indiscriminately murdering burger van owners with his lightning hands, is chased by The Doctor through London’s most popular pebble and girder yard, before escaping thanks to his Spiderman-jumping abilities and lazy writing. The Doctor, midway through chasing possibly the most dangerous man in existence, takes a break to take some photos with a group of pensioners who appear for no reason other than to generate some cheap laughs and to unsubtley crowbar in the token gay character.

At Costa, the Doctor cries to Wilfred – the sole paying visitor to the earlier carol service – that he misses Wilf’s daughter, Donna, finally getting over his pussy-whipped obsession with Rose so he can make room for this new one. Sadly he can’t talk to her because she’ll make such annoying noises come out of her mouth her brain will sear itself. The Doctor then tracks down the Master’s lair – an unlocked, mostly windowless warehouse in the exact same yard that they ran around a bit earlier. The Master, sensing srs bsns, fires his laser hands at places just behind where the Doctor is walking, perhaps to make him feel kinda cool for not looking at them, then blasts him in the chest to bust his balls. He then mocks the Doctor for dropping AS Psychology by proving he really does hear drums in his head, running off and getting promptly captured by the billionaire’s personal SAS copycats. Despite being highly trained mercenaries they fail to shoot the Doctor, despite being armed with automatic weapons, him being an unarmed weedy Scot who happens to be slightly jogging, and standing twenty feet away. Nonetheless they have more luck with a single tranquilizer dart, but mistake it for an actual bullet and leave him there unguarded.

So he wakes up and find Wilf, because he’s smarter than his reindeer hat suggests. Having just seen a magic TV broadcast telling him that if he shuns the Doctor he can eat at the cool kid’s table, Wilf tries to distract him by showing him what he got for Christmas – a book which happens to be a bestseller written by the secret underground billionaire scientist. The Doctor pinpoints his base – the abandoned set of Midsomer Murders – from the book’s ISBN or something and confronts him and the Master, but not before getting a brief but satisfactory explanation of the machine the Master is being forced to fix – a giant medical unit that can fix an entire planet’s worth of stubbed toes and kitty scratches – from two cheap Slitheen rip-off characters. The billionaire, having taken the machine home in a wheelbarrow from Torchwood (which is sort of a lost property box for alien hardware) wants to use it to give his daughter immortality, because bad things never come from that in the Doctor Who Universe.

Sadly for everyone except the Master, the Master has reprogrammed the massive cyber-plaster to literally turn every human on Earth into him, including an unconvincing Barack Obama lookalike, though he gets off lightly compared to all the women who’ll be in for a shock when they take off their trousers. Not that this stops the Master and the 6 billion Master clones to all enjoy the sheer LOLZ of the situation, whilst the Doctor kind of just stands there. Oh, and Wilf is still Wilf, just in case anyone was still in doubt.

The episode ends on Timothy Dalton having taken over the building where Yoda fights Sidious in Star Wars Episode Three, announcing the Time Lords will return and that he could do with a tissue to mop up all the saliva he’s spitting in shot.


One Response to “Doctor Who: The End of Time (Part 1) Recap”

  1. Abs December 26, 2009 at 12:35 pm #

    This, except they’re Banakoffalatta lookalikes, not slitheen.

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