Top 5 Games you shouldn’t play around your family

14 Jul

1) Metal Gear Solid 4

Whilst previous installments of MGS have included your character being stripped naked and tied up, the chief female antagonist ripping her shirt open to show you some heaving…scars…and an electrified Russian officer randomly grabbing an androgenous Major’s crotch, MGS4 endeavors to out-creepy them all by rewarding your victory over each boss character – women in bizarre robot/animal costumes – by having them emerge from their metal shells in some kind of slimy war-machine juice, writhe about on the ground for a bit, then showing you numerous close-ups of their arse.

She’s dying, pervert.

2) Grand Theft Auto 4

“Look, mum! I’m using a prostitute!”

3) Mercenaries 2: World in Flames

This game somehow manages to include features that can offend, annoy ot just plain confuse pretty much every imaginable family member. For the grandparents, there’s the fact that a universe exists where you can take 40,000 heavy machine gun rounds before dying and can kill with just 4 (“This man, he kills the whole world!”). Hell, videogames on their own are enough to make the elderly forget where they are. For mum, there’s obviously the obscene violence and explosions which will doom us all to become savages a’la Lord of the Flies without the symbolism, and the ability to steal oil to fly your bomber and attack ‘copter will cause your dad to start complaining about petrol prices.

“What a waste of money”

If you have the kind of younger sister who decides to become vegetarian and Taoist within a few days (though this may only be the case if you’re Bart Simpson) then she’ll get Marxist on your arse, giving you a spiel on the ‘violence, more violence, ????, shit-ton of profit’ gameplay, and if you have a brother…well, he’ll just complain that he isn’t playing.

4) The Sims

A game can be completely free of guns, violence, fire, explosion, hostages, car chases, and women in slimy skin-tight catsuits falling out of body armour shaped like an octopus, but you’ll still have a hard time justifying it when someone walks in whilst you watch your Sim taking a crap. Or indulging in a little light bisexual adultery. Or being naked in the shower.

5) Tomb Raider Underworld

When I got this, the till-jockey at GAME said “Have fun!…” in the kind of voice that a salesman in Anne Summers uses when you walk out the door. To be honest I knew this game wasn’t doing feminism any favours (unless you count shooting a bunch of henchmen and wild animals as ’empowerment’) and I assumed he knew as well, so I couldn’t really decide if he thought I was going to use it for wanking material or if he already has.

I’ll never be sure, but it turns out this game suffers from the same problem as MGS4 – the belief that action games should feature ARSES ARSES ARSES in a starring role. Since it’s 3rd person you (when I say “you” it might not actually be you, unless you’re a bit of freak) with your eyes on Lara Croft’s wetsuit-clad backside. Don’t try and look away – after all, in some cases this is all you’ll see of your character, so if you do anything short of mentally editing in black bars you might miss a jump and fall to your death, such as in this sequence:

Since any appretiation of the female form hasn’t been heavily featured in any marketing for the game (at least that I’ve seen), I’m not really sure why Croft-brand bum is so prominent. If sex sells, why wait until people buy the game to offer it? Maybe they just WANT your family to think you’re weird. Then you’ll get thrown out, and will have nowhere to go and nothing to do except play your sick, depraved vidjamagames. Or maybe since the original Lara Croft had breasts bigger than her head, it’s a no-brainer that something with ‘TOMB RAIDER’ on the box will result in exaggerated erogenous zones. Frankly I’d rather play as Danny DeVito if it meant I could have a decent in-game camera or existant enemy AI, so maybe that just means I have a case of the Gay.

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