Internet Monstrosities – This Muse ticket thing I saw on eBay

14 Jul

Muse fans are the biggest bunch of whiny, over-entitled spunktwats I’ve ever had the misfortune to be associated with, however tenuously. I know because I am a Muse fan, and as such am one of the first to hear about crap like this – one of the few things capable of uniting the warring factions of fans that heard Supermassive Black Hole in Twilight and the ones who pretend they saw them so early that bassist Chris Wolstenholm wasn’t even born yet. It brings people together with its atrociousness.

Like the flagship Internet Monstrosity, HOW TO GET FANTASTIC MUSE TICKETS FOR RESISTANCE TOUR (or HTGFMTFRT) offers a dubious solution to a problem you didn’t know you had – you can’t get tickets for an event that hasn’t gone on general sale yet. Rather than the tedium of getting up before 9 and buying tickets from Ticketmaster, HTGFMTFRT will hand to you the only true alternative – pay a fiver to some bloke, wait a day or two for a book to arrive, read the 24-page guide to doing something with tickets that is so secret that only those with the gift – the ability to pay a fiver to some bloke – can ever comprehend it. After that you might get some tickets from a different site. You win!

Of course, today is Thursday and tickets go on sale (and will probably sell out) tomorrow on Friday. So his guarantee – in big bold red text so you know it’s extra-guaranteeny – that you’ll get the info in time is both an outright lie and a total waste of everybody’s time (except the guy making £4.99 from chumps) – how useful is this guide going to be if you’re waiting for it to be delivered whilst everyone with a functioning central nervous system is buying tickets from a safe and reputable retailer?

Why pay to see Muse when you can look at this nice picture from Google Image Search?

Why pay to see Muse when you can look at this nice picture from Google Image Search?

And like Driving Test Secrets, this pitch is not complete without fonts designed by a fucking six year old with Pizza Hut crayons. Any word of more value than the verbs or anything in past particple is bolded to hell and lit up with eye-immolating primary colours. I know eBay isn’t the place to go for typographical integrity but I just want tickets, not epileptic seizures. Though I guess when you consider the approximate intelligence of his buyers (choice quote: “great thanku! got front row tix!! yippeee!“) then bright colours and shiny objects are probably going to be the most appealing thing on the page.

I don’t want to talk about this stupid listing anymore. I’m tired, you’re probably bored, I’ve got an exam I haven’t revised for tomorrow afternoon) which I’ll do after failing to get Muse tickets, due to not buying this BRILLIANT GUIDE) and, most importantly, it’s physically painful to read. He boasts that he’s never failed to get tickets (neither have I, you don’t see me flogging lame MS Word documents for cash. You can get them here for free), and after numerous promises that you can be one of those attractive, highly aspirational people that go to gigs and shit, writes that there is OBVIOUSLY IS NO GUARANTEE THAT YOU WILL DEFINITELY GET TICKETS. Yes, he even puts it in bold.

Leave. Now.

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