Dominos Pizza opens Halal-only branch, destroys known Universe and British values

14 Jul

The Daily Star (which, in my defence, was the only newspaper in my work’s canteen at lunch) recently reported the terrifying story that a branch of Domino’s Pizza had opened a branch in Birmingham selling only Halal products to appeal to the significant Muslim population of the area.

God no! First these people come to Brittun and take our jobs by having the unfair advantage that they’re more productive and more willing to do the same work we complain about having to do, and now a single branch of a takeaway chain is changing it’s target audience to reflect that of the local market! It’s sick!

What will become of professional ‘Pizza fan’ Chris Yates, 29? How will he survive without his Meteor pizza topped with pepperoni, sausage, meatballs, ground beef and bacon, as the Star helpfully describes? Fortunately, Chris is willing to speak out.

It’s a disgrace” says Chris. Maybe I’m getting too much of a hippy but that’s a word I’d save for, say, wife beating or something? It’s probably just me, mind. Chris continues: “I’m all for racial and religious tolerance but, if ­anything, this is intolerant to my beliefs.”

It’s comforting to know that racially tolerant folks like Chris are willing to speak out against the fact that the hundreds of thousands of non-Halal restaurants just dwindled in numbers. By one.

This guy’s last name is Savage, and as such gets really angry (or, in this case, squinty) when denied dead pig.

Culinary commentator and very white visionary Peter Merholz was even more scathing in airing his grievances. “I’d been coming here for ages but now I’ll go elsewhere because I can’t get a pepperoni pizza, which is what I always have.’’

Come on, Peter. You know what needs to be done. A very angry letter, or even better, a comment on any given internet forum. Don’t forget to start will “I’m not racist but…”. It’s either that or you’ll have to endure “going somewhere else” for the pizza that you always have for the rest of your life.

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