Internet Monstrosities – Driving Test Secrets UK

14 Jul

Every now and then I’ll find a website so utterly horrid it makes this one look like it was coded by a cyberpunk hacking using an instruction guide written by Jesus.

Take Driving Test Secrets UK. Seriously, take it. From the banner heading featuring a smiling white girl (as all non-DVLA-certified motoring advice websites need) to the smorgasboard of PayPal links at the tail end, this website looks like someone ate some neon sign lettering then took a dump on a lightbulb. Apologies for the huge picture, but take a look at this full-screen screenshot:

Besides the inches of blinding white space (shut up, this site used to be blue), the text changes colour or font every few words. The result is somewhat patronising, as if you can’t possibly understand that 39% isn’t very much, so it has to be in bold, green text or you won’t care, and thus won’t give him money. Look at the fourth-bottom line – not a single one of those words needs emphasis. Look at the pass rates? Good thing you told me, I was just going to look at them. After you’re done looking at the Pass Rates for the UK (France? Poland? Fuck you, this is the U-motherfucking-K), he makes the big reveal…

Those fiends! Never mind the fact that if you aren’t a safe driver your arse is going to fail so hard it breaks the sound barrier. At least someone has finally spoken out against these misleading publications which make it impossible for anyone anywhere to pass their driving test. But who is this driving guru?

Well, his name is Dan J (he has to be careful about security – he puts his driving test report on a seperate page, for example), and he’s “put a lot of time and thought to this ‘paradox‘”. Shut up, he did! He’s qualified to do this because he only got two minors on his test, unlike the unspecified “officials” who have “Zero experience of what it’s like to take the modern day test”, (since all driving instructors and examiners were born in the 16th century), despite the fact that they teach driving to a standardised syllabus.

At this point, we’re only a quarter of the way down the page. He offers you to take his driving test tips course via Email, on the small stipulation that you give your email to a crazy stranger, offers to reveal “The best kept secret to your reverse around a corner exercise that your instructor will never tell you!” (because all instructors secretly want people reversing around corners incorrectly) and “‘Legend myths‘ about examiners debunked!”. I think I was going to find out what these ‘legend myths’ about examiners actually were, in case they might actually be dragons, but passed out laughing at the phrase ‘legend myths’.

Hilariously, only halfway through his attempt to drag out the phrase “Are you ready to give me money in exchange for a dubious solution to all your driving problems?”, he says “Ok, let’s wrap this up”. Shortly after that he starts pasting a bunch of “Satisfaction Guaranteed!” emblems from Google Image Search all over the place, and it turns out somewhere in this rainbow-coloured mess of text he offered to sell you some kind of electronic book. 700 words later he actually tells you how you can buy his book, which you can do by clicking one of the forty thousand PayPal links. Only I just checked, and only one is a link. The others are just flashing PayPal logos.

Somehow he manages to wring even more bullshit from his J-cloth of a mouth, and if his decision of actually scanning in his signature or placing two identical links to the ‘Comments and Testimonials’ section within a few paragraphs of each other hasn’t angered you into a coma, you can learn some maths:

Could you explain it?

Admittedly, it isn’t until the last few hundred pixels that you really start worrying about Dan J’s state of mind.

Firstly, I wouldn’t trust someone who still uses ‘u’ instead of ‘you’ to wash a car, let alone teach someone else to drive one. Secondly, hammering Shift and 1 at the same time whilst raving about “your Dream Car!!!!!!!!!!!” serves no purpose other than to confirm your position as webmaster of the UK’s stupidest motoring website. And as a jerk.

However, my favourite part of the website is the Comments and Testimonials section, where legions of semi-literate cretins give reach-arounds to old Danny Boy, who thanks them by posting..well, about half of their private email adresses on the internet. I leave you with my favourite:

Hi, it’s emma and I took my test on Friday. Passed with flying colours! Well, I got nine minors but the driving guy was a right miserable twat. The only time I messed up was when I stopped at a green light (because there was no room to go through and I didn’t want to block traffic flow) and he just kept going on about it. I suppose they feel the need to citicise! Anyway, I found both of your ebooks very useful, so thank you. Passing my test is definitely the best christmas present I’ve had this year,

Emma Turley – Emma*******@hotmail.com

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